My Recent Frame of Mind

Communities Blog
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I haven't been happy for a very long time. When I am on a downward slope it results in depression, which spikes, I take my meds, it levels, and I have to cope... This is often one of my more creative periods with picking up something and doing things to get my mind off of negativities from my past or thinking about something stupid that led down a long line of mistakes. I get stuck in these threads in my brain for a long time. It feels like weeks for me, then I snap out of it, physically shake it off, people look at me wierd, and life goes on.

In these periods I try to focus on.... something. Could be anything. Used to be that math was my outward expression. Finding ways to convert something random into some other random thing. If a combustion engine throws flames always, does torque play a role and if not, creat a physics system that allows for torque to throw fire really far then put together the most powerful engine possible in gran turismo 3 and break the game. Stupid shit like that. Same as the stock market post, the esoteria post, the post about rebuilding EVE.....

I have been thinking about when EVE was my main machine as well, what I was doing at the time. Middle of freshman year, getting into DJ stuff, drawing to keep my mind off of ripping someone's head off, falling more into my absurdities. I hadn't started working for the school until end of freshman year so the first year was hell. I just did art all the time and played with my laptop. I got EVE, it gave me a focus and so I've been feeding into that for the last................ 7 or so years now. Because fuck it.

I used to draw landscapes, I found photography to be a passion and have taken landscape photo's ever since. I'm rather excited to get an iphone 7 plus as an upgrade for the camera quality; its truely the most exciting part of 2017 for me. I also used to be really into flash animation, just learning how though, coding stuff for minecraft in LUA for mods in FTB and tekkit (I made a firewall system for the mod ComputerCraft). I mean I watched MLP and stuff just to have a colorful friendliness to go home to. Something. I wasn't in a good place. I didn't even have proper internet that I was stealing to do that and learned how to pop through my highschool's firewall to download there and watch at home...

I wonder if I still have that HDD back up so I can see how I did it... It was some stupid tool and the HS used IPCop... I won't indulge just don't use IPCop its really shit.

Yet, for some reason I think back and I remember that..... that shit..... I remember it fondly. And I have no idea why. Maybe its because I think of watching MLP and other shows, going on newgrounds forums, doing art, playing music... I mean I had band and the ability to belt out better chord progression that the entirety of my section and if I was bored I would just play another sections music by ear. I replaced the trumpets for fun to confuse the band director...

I think its that stuff. Maybe I want some of that back. That darker space in my life wasn't fun, in all honesty. Kids think back to freshman year of high school and maybe hanging out with friends or being allowed to go to the mall or joining clubs and being in a niche.... I didn't have anything. I had my pitiful little hobby's and things that I liked that I was honestly too terrified to share with anyone, not for fear of being beat up, but just being shut out. Theres a fun story from HS that is probably stored in their camera system still, but a guy thought he was always better than me and always tried to bully me. One morning I had to go in super early for a lot of tests and he decided I wasn't going to be in there. Because I live on a farm and didn't share it with people I was always assumed a weekling because I am small as shit.

Nope.

Picked him up, shot him into a snow drift and he was stuck there until the buses dropped kids off. But that wasn't fun, it was really more annoying.

Is there a word for wanting to go back to a more negative time in life only to have that light in the tunnel to see again?I'd like to say optimism but I don't really know. I guess thats kinda where that ends for me at the moment, really. I want to go back to that little shit hole of my life just to have that little shine to look forward to, whatever the hell it was. I feel like thats gone now, and has been since I dropped out of college. I'd go back if it were that easy, but sadly I have ASD things to work on before that.

Yeah, I dunno. Maybe I'm just stuck in my head.

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I can see why you would want to go back to some of that as many wish to go back to their youth. I just wish things you mentioned like friends were something that I had in high school. LOL! It probably would have made it possible for me to finish my bloody education. As for other things said I am sorry if my posts tonight in my blog and in the regular chat or whatever brought you into a bad frame of mind. I am sorry if that was the case. I don't think misery is company and that is why I actually refused to do something my CMHA worker wanted me to do which was join some walking group that only had two men in it right now. I said to her I already walk everywhere so fuck that and also quite frankly I want to be around people who can uplift me and often I have found being around others with disabilities they just make me more depressed and in group situations have even cause programs that were to be task focused end up being crying sessions. Fuck that.
In regards to wanting to go back to more negative times or as some would see them as that way yes sometimes I wish I would just go back to WOW and bury myself in that til I die as I had fun with it but I can't do it and I have wasted over $100 doing that in monthly subs over the last few years and hardly played it at all. I have now cancelled my reoccurring sub once again thank goodness. Also in you wanting to go back to more negative times well people have insight into how they did things wrong and wish they could do them over again so you are no different than many. Finally the mentioning of music it has me thinking once again about how I spend all this money for 30 plus years and still don't own a trombone. In regards to music one can always do that no matter the age as long as they can physically handle it and also about bullshitting around maybe you can't do what you did in high school in terms of some of the crazy stuff you did there exactly but you could experiment with some bizzare ways of producing music and do goofy crap and make YouTube vids out of it just for you to be creative.

Anyway best of luck with life .....

and the shit I am doing lately don't follow it or at least not all of it and sorry if I caused you to go to a dark place tonight.

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I've been in a pit since I was a kid. Dark is kinda comforting.

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Well if you were near me we could hang out and play video games, get drunk, do stupid shit and raid the medicine cabinet once in awhile. LOL! I may be socially inept but when I actually get around people and get relaxed I am told I can be fun and funny. I guess some here would not believe it but whatever.

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Heh, I guess one of my issues has always been that I am not a social person. I don't have a social space, I mean I have my desk in my room and my bed. I have shit everywhere in here so no one comes in and bothers me. I dunno maybe thats just a me thing.

I'll take you up on that if we're ever living in the same state though.

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I don't do anything productive lately. Well, I don't do much of anything really. I finished college, but the degree I got won't really help me as even if I went into that, I'd still need more skill... I'm not even sure what I want to do (if even one thing) but I want to start my own projects/company.

I used to do more art than now, but most of it was just messing around (and it was just about every kind of digital art!). Probably the most cohesive art I've ever done (the only real project I've done) was my Minecraft resource pack, but not many people liked that... and I stopped liking the game (because of updates making survival more tedious), and because the updates ruined my pack (the models, which don't look right with the new versions of the game). I wanted to get into modding (and perhaps I could've fixed my issues) but the lack of official mod support stopped me from doing that.

I have tons of projects I want to do, but various technical hangups usually inhibit me to the point where I let procrastination pile on top of the hangups to create a wall. The most recent is with Godot on Arch, I'm thinking it's from the nVidia drivers... I get a crash when I try to edit projects.

Godot is a game engine, I have experience with programming logic but it will take some large effort on my part to learn how to use it.

I've thought of trying OpenSUSE Tumbleweed to alleviate some of my Arch technical woes, but I fear that the OBS is not going to have as much availability as the AUR (I've already seen 2 missing on the OBS, but in fairness 1 of those I can't actually install through the AUR because it doesn't compile properly).

Sometimes it feels like cyclic depression for me. I can't do anything because I'm depressed, I'm depressed because I can't do anything. Well, not sure if I'm actually depressed, but I'm tired even if I sleep a lot.

I live in the same state as you, but I was also in one of the worst schools in the state. Aging facility and supplies, bad management+curriculum, and an overall environment of gloom and agitation (both with students and faculty). I had more contact with people back then, but I can honestly say that I would not want to go back. The only tolerable part of school was vo-tech, and that wasn't until the end of HS.

That and I knew even less back than compared to now... and I don't know much especially when it comes to practical application.

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Me either bro. I often find it hard to talk to strangers. I often think about them as aliens from another world. When I need to I take a deep breath and go fuck it whats the worst that could happen.

Nothing bad happens but I am still an introvert mostly.

Be well the world has some crazy fun people in the mix.

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I have pretty severe lifetime of mental illness. Currently disabled from it and usually end up in the hospital a few time a year (last month). I also find being creative helps me a lot. But last year when cleaning and archiving files I noticed there was a big gap where I created almost nothing.

Was I too depressed to create or was I depressed because I wasn't creating? IDK?

For me my biggest problem is 'The Death of Hope'. I have been burnt so often or wasted time on awesome ideas that I can't finish without help. Now I'm reluctant to start any project because I assume I will fuck it up eventually.

The best cure for that is to always have something to look forward to. Even a little thing. Tell yourself things like "If I wash the dishes tonight, I will treat myself to SUBWAY tomorrow." The best thing is planning a vacation. The vacation itself doesn't really matter. It's the months leading up to the vacation when you are at work or school and you can think ...

"OMG, I can't wait until a few months from now when I can get the fuck out of here."
- that's what really makes you feel good.

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Heh vacation for me is the few month span of hacking a new laptop. As for working on stuff and needing help, I find my own resources to make that stuff happen lol.

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I was raised Catholic, but I like Buddhism now. The main point of Buddhism is...

"Ninety percent of your life is hard work and it's going to suck. So if you find your self having a good day, celebrate and remember. Because the next good day is a long way off."

Most days I have nothing to do and I just go to bed if I'm bored. However I try to plan for the possibility of having a good day in the future.

ATM I'm planning to go to a LAN party in April. That should keep me going for a few months.

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Now I feel guilty for being Happy:(

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Getting back in this scope, I decided to go back through my old yt subs and found Kitty0706's channel. Thing is kitty died when I got kicked out of college. Kinda ironic, but for some reason whenever that comes back up it really bothers me and I can't sleep or anything. But I know why it bothers me. When I got gmod I was going into build servers to learn how the game worked and randomly hopping into one he was there fucking around and I nearly shat myself. He showed me some stuff and I ran into him a few more times because I liked his server and that was that. That was 2010/2011 and I didn't have too much time on yt yet, but I knew who kitty was. He was the reason i got gmod; I wanted to make ytp stuff but never really learned how. His stuff got me out of the worst parts of my life in hs and I wish I could thank him for it.... Maybe I can somehow but I don't know how.