So I’m writing, scrawling out a message to stuff in a bottle and throw into the sea of the internet?
In ways, it feel vulnerable, to dump the things circling around in my mind out onto a screen for the world to see. But, we humans have a long tradition of sharing knowledge and experience and as a father I’m already inclined to try to do that. Maybe i’ll get a bottle back from the void with something helpful in it? Maybe it’ll help someone else. I recall seeing it somewhere online, maybe its a meme of sorts… But the gist is: “do cool shit, put it on the internet” Even if its niche, even if its weird, even if its the most obscure of underwater 12th dimensional chess… theres an audience SOMEWHERE.
over time though, i’ve found writing can be cathartic and helpful. Laying out your ideas in order from the web of scattered thoughts to form something coherent for other people to read is a form of “defragmenting” the brain which is useful for the writer. it consolidates blocks of discrete bits of information and memory into something more tangible and useful. it allows you to learn things you already know, but didn’t know you knew because the pieces weren’t assembled to form the bigger picture.
It seems like anytime i need to say anything super important i have a bad habit of putting my fut in my mouth in some way or another because words jump out of my mouth that make sense in the framework of my mind, but in the form of language that everyone else uses it often comes out wrong or in ways that aren’t truely what i mean.
The editorial process of writing, reviewing and assembling what your trying to say and cleaning it up for other people can greatly benefit the effectiveness of your communication.
I think too much, if you think too much as well and sort of live in your own world between your ears and are frustrated with expressing yourself to other people: try writing.
i worry as a father, because i realize i’m a shitty teacher. Often i’m busy and its easier to do it for them or show them without “teaching” . I think writing things out can help with that (becoming a better teacher, as you have a more concrete grasp of something by writing it out, you see the pieces come together to make the bigger picture.
if it helps, or you have something to contribute cool. If this comes off as some boring rambling, alt+f4/ctrl+w and continue on with your day. again, long ago a useful nugget found on the sea of bits and bytes: the final bullet point from an old craigslist great of (Advice to Young Men from an Old Man, best of craigslist: Advice to Young Men from an Old Man)_ “Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.”
So, i’m working on me.
I’ve noticed, at work, and in life I get overwhelmed. Too many what ifs, worrying about doing the right thing and end up reasoning myself into a corner and end up doing nothing. It feels like i’m spinning my wheels. I think its a form of choice/decision overload, decision paralysis. Some days I can burn through work like its nothing. sometimes impostor syndrome kicks in, or i work myself up, trying to double and triple check things to make sure i’m not overlooking something or being the user error and things that should take 30 minutes i end up taking an hour to do trying to make sure i’m not the problem.
For a bit of context: i repair electronics. Often the stuff i’m working on we don’t have schematics, diagrams, manuals for, and often the customers cant be bothered to give us a problem description. Its not malicious, technician or someone says somethings borked, it gets handed off to someone else who sees if theres money to fix it, packed up by a completely different department and shipped to my bench from an intern that has been there a week. It is what it is as they say. some stuff you’ll find manuals, some stuff is older than me (i’m gonna be 35 mid june), but its basically reverse engineering electronics to fix them.
I enjoy the problem solving aspects of the job, fixing something that was previously essentially a black box is satisfying. As i like to say, it scratches the itch.
Programming also did that for me. Theres a million ways to handle even the most mundane things with programming. Programming in some ways was a fairly good teacher. It revamped how i understood math, helped me learn how to test things in a way to get clear answers by eliminating variables, and a bit of creative thinking to help uncover a few odd bugs or subtle logic errors.
Its a great hobby, as a job… i realized i’d most likely be repairing other peopbles duct tape fixes and avoiding hard coded dragons that managers have deemed to valuable to be slain or the collateral damage and unintended consequences to be too risky.
I’m sure there are great coding jobs, or at least ones that aren’t soul crushing, but the risk of jumping into a meat grinder is pretty high.
I think the fix is a bit of confidence, and remembering to stick to “the process”
instead of staring at a PCB clueless and overwhelmed because its a 2 foot by 2 foot grid of unknown… dive in head first - everything needs power start with the fundamentals. then find inputs you can poke at and see what happens - repeat until you have something that appears like function.
its weird how as i’m getting older i’m learning the subtle effects of “feelings” and how they affect me. Weird seemingly unrelated things sometimes has unexpectedly far reach.
I was feeling overwhelmed, like my life wasn’t my own, not enough time to do everything. I am lazy, for sure, but this wasn’t the call of the couch. This was partially bad decisions on my part (overtime every day, plus working saturdays a couple weeks in a row), and the introvert piloting my meat suit throwing wrench in the emotional gears telling me I need some me time.
Being a father of two, my time is already pretty well divided. Oldest wants some time with daddy, the baby and mommy need time and attention (and help/a break from the baby for mommy), and my wife needs time with me too. It feels selfish to say I need me time too. But fuck that, i’ve seen and felt what happens to me if I don’t. I shut down, turn into a machine and just do what i have to and resent everyone for it, feeling miserable for burning a candle at both ends so to speak, and the emotional stress of resentment and the guilt feeling resentment.
tldr: if you need you time, you NEED you time. Don’t be shy, get over it, if you don’t do it you’re gonna make things worse.
…overtime is great, but no more back to back weekends unless we really need the money.
Its weird how children unknowingly teach you about yourself. either through watching them and realizing your seeing yourself in them, or them having little/no filter telling/asking you something blunt that other people would be too “kind” to ask.
I think it sort of goes back to the id/ego/superego thing that freud was on about. I’m sure theres psychologists that cringe at me writing that. But i think the dude was at least partially on to something. I think of it as the three pictures of a person. The mirror (unfiltered truth, the good, the bad, the things you project, the things you hide even from yourself), the mind (who you think you are, the image you have of yourself in your mind), and then the window (how other people see you, they may not know you donate to charity, but they see the booger on your shirt, they may be fooled by your mask or the things you project)
Your children are a bit of the mirror and are close enough to see things not in view of the window and your mind either filters out or is too afraid to tell you.
To be happy, I’ve found, you have to be somewhat aware of all three images so they all line up in your head. You have to be aware of your faults. Some things cant be changed, sure, but to fix a problem you have to be aware of it. If you really look at the mirror, and see the scars and wrinkles and accept that is who you are you can work off of that to improve. The window, in my opinion is probably the least useful of the three pictures. Too many people live their lives based on what other people have told them they should do, hell the social media generation seems to have a sense of self based on what other people think of them. But, i think impostor syndrome also kind of comes from the window-- the thought of i’m not good enough or don’t belong here is entirely based on your perspective in relation to other people. Being aware that everyone has the window just like you and feels like there are monsters staring them down and judging them… Probably just need to wash the
dirty window. Yes if you are a metallica fan, that was sort of a reference. St. anger had trash production and lars’s drums sound like someone flicking the bottom of a pringles can, but if you listen to the lyrics…it had some teeth for sure. In the context of the song, the dirty window was more judging other people outside as being dirty or unclean… but the dirty window works both ways.
I’ve managed to answer a few of my own questions, on my own, just by writing this out. Thanks, even if you didn’t read it. If you did, and something resonated or helped - i’m glad to have helped. If you think i’m crazy or a rambling idiot: you’re probably right.
thinks for helping Rubber duck debug my brain. Btw, if yall haven’t chatted up an ai bot… they’re great for rubber duck debugging. Talking through your thoughts with actual feedback is faster.
Ai is cool, but i’m dreading what stupid shit they’re gonna wind up misusing it for. Why did 10,000 people’s social security get cut off and starve to death last month? whoops - we put ai in charge, it figured it’d be cheaper and provide the “greatest benefit” to free up those resources for something else.
I’m joking, but you all know some horrendous shit like that is coming.
I’m gonna ctrl c+ this out of geany (BEST GUI EDITOR EVER 100000% FACTS, UNDISPUTED) and hit post once i cook up a title
have an ozzy song thats stuck in my head now as a consolation prize BLACK SABBATH - "Never Say Die" Top of the Pops 1978 - YouTube