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#1

I’m tired. I’m like really tired. So I’m going to half assed ramble about shit thats bugging me while trying to enjoy the last bowl I’ll have for quite a while (I think) and maybe find an answer. But just like my old blog posts, you can ignore this. I’m just high, pissed, stressed, and anxious, as usual. But no matter how many times I keep hitting volume down I can still hear the fucking buzz of whatever tv show is on in the back of my head that keeps annoying me.

So fuck it here goes.

In my current position I have to decide a few things. But in not knowing how to decide, what to ask, who to ask, or how to approach, I feel like I am mostly either beating myself up over nothing or complaining that I’m at a dead end with shit that I working on (either project wise, or people not cooperating, or just in what to do). I’m partially worried, as well, that my morbid curiosity of risc chips is just a left over defense mechinism from when I was a kid.

No one bothers the autistic kid in the corner with a book and a laptop. Its kind of a rule in my school amongst the kids. Always has been. And for a good bit I was that kid. Was it because I actually had interest? Or was it because I could make people go away or come to me whenever I pretty much wanted? If I wanted to help someone I could, if I wanted to work on something I could, and I’d get the result I wanted.

You know it’d be really unfortunate too with knowing all this bullshit about powerpc. That’d piss me off the most. But then again I SPENT WEEKS READING DOCS DAY AFTER DAY. WHY? FUCK IF I KNOW. I was bored and had a goal. Course now I’ve met some goals and abandoned others. I guess everyone does.

IDK, what would you do if you weren’t sure what you were doing isn’t what you wanted to do? But then, what else is there to do, most everything else is boring locally. Am I just scared to reach out farther?

Half the time I wonder if I didn’t do all I could. And not relationship wise or anything like that… I mean, I’m thinking like I have a friend in south korea right now who is working as an english teacher. We were hanging out one night, he read a post on something awful about someone’s job, 6 months later he’s in china for training and another few months after in a permanent job. Prior to that we were both in the same spot.

I mean come on man this guy is MORE of a neet than ME.

Then I end up questioning what I’m doing and then I’m here. Hell I just hit a milestone, I should be excited about a lot of shit rn.

So what the fuck is it that I’m scared of so much? Its not like I jumped out of the loop any time recently, nothing new, different. Still just a shitty memelord. Crown to prove it. I sure as fuck don’t wanna jump on the next fright to asia, I’ll tell you that. I’ll do that when china has a car industry that matters.

Eh, maybe I’m looking in the wrong direction, or at least in the wrong angle of light, for sure. Theres always more to do. Hell I’ve thought about dropping everything and going to do refugee work or something. Join a program to help the homeless get linux or something kek.

Eh. Now I’m thinking this was a waste of time and want to delete it. I’ll post it because its the bs talkin to me, but eh.

Tired of all the noise.

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#2

Stop looking backwards, you can’t change it.

Look forwards, decide what you want to do NOW and in the future, and just do it. Worry less about what others are doing and how/why, those things are irrelevant.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes to the point that you are too worried to make a decision, because this is how we learn. Learn from mistakes (both others before you and your own) and move past them.

Also, on mistakes: far better to make them earlier, whilst you have less riding on them. If you’re in your 20s do the things and take the risks. Things don’t really become that much more certain or predictable as you get older, the stakes just get higher - both in terms of things you have to lose, and the shorter period of time you have remaining to recover from them.

If you lose everything in your 20s you have a few decades to get it back. Risk everything and lose it in your 40s/50s or later and you’re kinda fucked.

So. If you’re in your 20s, take the career risks. Take the personal/relationship risks. Just do it. Waiting for some random point in the future, you will never do it.

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#3

Nah waiting is boring. I have to at least DO something.

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#4

Well feeling lost is a thing that happens.

I would say you shouldn’t look back just to feel sorry for the decisions you made. It’s in the history now and the only thing you should do is analyze your decisions and draw some conclusions from them that would be lessons for you for your future decisions.

It’s really hard to predict if your decisions now would be the best you could have taken if you look back at them after 1, 5, 10 or more years because everything changes.

I can’t help you with your decision on what to do now, but whatever you decide do not hesitate take the opportunity and give it a try for at least a few months. Hey a few months down the line you think you made a mistake, know that it’s all fine. Analyze why you don’t like it, that will be a lesson for the next thing you decide to do.

This is the cycle pretty much. After you have enough money to keep yourself alive all you have to do is find something that you feel good doing it ( doesn’t have to be perfect but when you get back home after work you shouldn’t feel regrets ).

Also I feel you have regrets about your social life as well. There are apps to meet new people. That or either start a hobby that requires socialising like dancing, or maybe drawing group, maybe some sport. I would also if in your place dump the drugs ( I am guessing you are just smoking ganja but I have seen what it did to my friends so yeah I would dump that ).

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#5

Hindsight as they say is always 20/20.

You can’t beat yourself up over it because at the time you had the experience, facts and lifestyle/attitude you had at the time. And there are so many things that may/may not have happened outside of the big ones, if you went down that other path.

e.g., about 15 years ago i nearly bought a house. Was kicking myself i didn’t, because it would have been paid off by now and i’d be 250k up. At least.

However… if i did that, i would not have changed jobs (would have been too worried about financial stability and making mortgage payments to quit the old job).

I would not have gained a heap of experience of enterprise network gear, telco gear, etc. And thus would not have my current experience and current job. I would also have maybe lost half the house to my ex.

I would not have met my current partner who is the first girl i’ve ever been with where things are just so god damn easy (not because we are lazy. far from it. we just “click” in a way where we want the same things and never argue. cliche/corny as fuck but we both encourage the other to be better people - without nagging, but because we want to for the other person).

I wouldn’t have gotten into motorcycles, i wouldn’t have the current circle of friends i have.

So much would be different. But would it have been better? Who knows. It doesn’t matter. That’s not the reality i am living anyway. All you can do is make decisions based on the facts, feelings and experience you have TODAY and learn from what happens.

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#6

I totally agree with this. Just do something. Aim towards a job, education, practical skill set, anything that you enjoy or something you don’t hate and just do it [insert Shia LaBeouf meme].
If you have a reason to do something, no matter how stupid it is, you’re far more likely to actually do it. Don’t just do it, do it for a reason. Don’t do something “just because”, that’s a recipe for disaster.

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#7

You just need to move on to your next interest. From what i gather you’re in between interests and don’t know what to do, the next one usually comes naturally has been my experience. My brain lives in a similar part of the neighborhood so i recognize this immediately.

Sometimes an old one regains your attention but your mind is probably hungry af and that’s what’s causing all the noise.

So i keep several at hand but only truly ever focus on one while the others are in maintenance mode.

In retrospect these issues worsened for me because of a life long depression that i only recently got under control with some trial and error(i made it my interest).

Maybe you’re depressed too? It’s certainly very common for aspies and usually worsens between interests. How’s your health? That has been a major factor for me in bringing up the lows.

And smoking weed will not help, i know i’ve tried it for 15 years but once i finally got a diagnosis and figured out i was self medicating i stopped cold turkey. That was 10 years ago and i finally figured it out. And if you’re depressed as I suspect then downers won’t help, it’s a bandaid, a temporary escape but not a long-term solution.

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#8

Never said it did, just winds me down at night so I can sleep and not be running on E all night.

Eh, I actually just attacked my depression back and when I found the root of the problem I attacked it and fixed it and it was terrifying. But, its gone.

Health is fine I live on a farm lol

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#9

Yep that’s how i did it as well. For me it was diet that was the root of my depression. I used to sit on my ass all day and now i take the dog for a run every morning. Every bit helps.

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#10

I bike around all too regularly.

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#11

No idea why you would attempt to sleep after E. Maybe you should try it earlier?

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#12

My brain keeps going.

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#13

Dude, I have this same sort of “am I just hiding” quasi-imposter syndrome feeling from things I like to do… whether it be tinkering with really old hardware or whatever…

I don’t know your upbringing and whatnot, but what I do know is that all we’ve got in this world is each other.

Whether those people you care about are in Asia or not, people that care about you exist. Shit, I don’t even know you and I’m posting because I have similar feelings from time to time.

Self doubt and feeling a bit aimless come with the burden of intellect.

“The fundamental cause of the trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.”
― Bertrand Russell

You know that you’ve got talent and a body of work under your belt that you should be able to be proud of, but for some reason you feel like you’re not “there yet”.

Use this vague emptiness as fuel to continue to explore, share, create, and venture into the future… see what you find.

You never know until you try.

I sometimes wonder how people can be so 100% dead-set on “I’m going to be a this and I’m going to study that and do X,Y,Z for the rest of my life” …

“Doubt is an uncomfortable condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one.”
― Voltaire

In my opinion, your self-critique is healthy, and the fact that you did it on this forum shows some internal fortitude that many would envy.

Take heart in the fact that you are a unique and inspiring person despite the thoughts of the man in the mirror. Each day can be an opportunity to put future-you in a better place by taking foothold in the smallest bits of self-confidence, and pushing towards a goal you set.

Course now I’ve met some goals and abandoned others.

Yes, we all do this. But not all people break down a large goal in to small, measurable, realistic, attainable sub-goals… and use each moment as a stepping stone to the next.

Too often I will build up a wall of goals that makes me think its impossible to achieve, then I feel lost and frustrated with myself.

We’ve all got to drudge on, together.

Thanks for sharing, and I hope you find something to give you aim in the future. Just know that you might not find it immediately, as some of the best things in life are worth waiting for… (and also I’m rooting for you!)

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#14

I’ve never exactly been that way. Maybe at times, but I’m as much down to earth as I am stuck in my head. However, for potential jobs that I can do, and have experience in, IT, bugfixing, minor admin stuff, farm shit galore, some in engines (some), write fol a paper, I mean I have options, I’d just think I’d want to be involved in what I’m curious about.

And really the thing I like doing is recycling systems to rebuild and give to those who need them. I passed out about 7 laptops to the homless last year, wish I coulda done more, but also I only had 7 people even try and only one of them trusts me lol.

But then the autism shit, I can never tell if I’m being used until its too late, so I try to not dump too much into it.

I like the quotes btw.

Oh no trust me I’ve gotten yelled at for these posts before its why I stopped doing them; even though some kick in the pants from friends here has kept me going before. Internally, I don’t really care if I get feedback here. I just need shit outof my head, and imo if people point out the things that are obvious that I just cannot see or realize are there, often I’ll have to stop, read the whole post a few times, and then I don’t even respond for an hour just because I have to go back and scan over everything based off of what was said.

Hell the other day a tick freaked me tf out and I had to stop and address what the problem was to get the little adhd buzzing to stop.

But hey, it worked. And I’m really happy about it, as stupid as the whole thing sounds.

Idk how many would envy a deep depression that forces you to look back all the time. Its the only reason I have confidence, I just stopped caring at one point.

Thats not exactly enviable in journey, perhaps result.

:boomer:

I heard that a lot as a kid from teachers that never really cared. So I always see comments like that as hollow. Its probably a good starting point, tbh, to kill my trust issues.

Indeed, but this meant a little more than hobbies or interests. Goals with people, shit that’d get better outcomes that I chose to ignore. Though, idk how doing much of that’d get me anywhere different.

Takes longer when you have no perception of time lol.

Thanks mom.

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#15

Its probably healthy for me to post it somewhere. At least so its farther out than family circle.

And it was stupid too.

14 or 15 years ago, I’m yanked out of a normal class and plopped spec ed. Requirements dictate a show and tell so the kids are forced to interact.

So my dad gives me a pocket watch to take. I show it, then I’m just playing with it at lunch, get kicked, its stolen from me, and when I try to get it back the school half asses and sides with the other kid.

For the record, he’s now a linebacker for msu. And he was ablinebacker back then, fucking massive.

So I give up. I didn’t get much help from anyone at school in the first place, and family was kinda my tie, so I just shut everything out. Nothing was ever asked about it and my dad forgot about it.

I tried to replace it once or twice, but could never afford a new one. And almost every year at new years I had to hear about a pocket watch my dad inherited that was lost, and until told otherwise, I’d believed I had lost an heirloom.

That sorta shit is more important to me than life, so you can imagine hawing that burned in in 3rd grade, maybe 4th grade, not a+. In fact, the opposite.

To be honest it still haunts me even nhough I forced myself to talk to my parents about it. It turns out the watch I had may have been a replacement for an already ok watch.

I don’t exactly believe that myself, probably why it still haunts me.

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#16

Yeah it is but it’s also harder for guys like us.

Memories, especially traumatic ones can be fucking intense. Almost ptsd like. Everything comes flooding and punches you in the gut.

But good to talk about it if you can set aside the anxiety none the less.

I do have less intense episodes now and they last less long. Since i fixed the depression.

Also i understand the E, going to parties sober was extremely hard and mdma made me super social. I don’t like when they mix it with speed though.
This one time i took some and i was walking down the street and i heard people saying jesus that guy is totally on another planet.

So i looked around checking if i could see who it was, fuck, they were talking about me. One of the last times i took it. I seem to react rather intensely.

Maybe microdosing could work for day to day life but right now i don’t feel i need it.

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#17

Healthy. Though maybe not the m part xd

I’m a wuss. I’ll learn about it to a scientific degree so that I can help ppl, but’ll never touch it.

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#18

See some comments above about diet.

Don’t under-estimate the effects. Basically quitting sugar was one of the best things I’ve done.

Sleep better, more stable energy levels, etc. It was hard for a week or so but now i don’t miss it.

Not necessarily saying “quit sugar”, but if you’re eating badly (in general), it makes you feel bad. It’s not something you will notice with one day of eating properly, but give it a week or two and you may notice a real difference.

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#19

I apologize for engaging with you on this post then if you didn’t want input or encouragement since you immediately discount it as hollow and non-genuine.

I’ll leave you with this:

Your idea for fixing up old laptops and giving them to the less fortunate has inspired me to begin the same endeavor… and until you admitted special ed/autism in another post I would have been none the smarter because your post was very relatable and honest. I got a lot out of it, so if you change but only one person with your words thats more than if you were to keep silent and stay in your own bubble.

Looking back into your past with honesty and critique is important to growth, even if it is growth from out of a depressive state. I’ve been at rock bottom with alcohol/drugs/wrong crowd, so whether you hate someone that stole something (also has happened to me), or you hate yourself or both… your story is being read by people and they choose how it impacts them and how they react.

You said before you stopped doing these, but now you’ve continued… and despite my efforts of positivity you’ve given me some blowback… I understand (or if you don’t believe that, believe that I’m at least making an honest effort to understand) where you are coming from, and I think that in the future, you might be able to set up a more permanent blog for yourself (maybe even your own website) through which you can let these feelings go by writing them down. If not a public forum, you could even hand write things. I have sometimes written letters to no one (maybe just myself to re-read later) simply because its cathartic.

Whatever works for you, do it. You can’t control how people react… good, bad, or indifferent. All you can do is what you need to for your own sake… and I support that 100%.

I’m not your mother, I’m just some random dude on the internet who read your post.

Thanks again for continuing to share.

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#20

I really try not to, and I know its stupid. Just a little red tag left over that I’m not sure how to get rid of.

Wow… really? If you have a weird issue pm me and I’ll try to help you out.

Even if you met me irl you wouldn’t know. You can see it a lot more clearly way back when I joined with this account. I have another one but can’t remember the info.

I wasn’t sure how to interperet that for a minute (just waking up, rough night).

I force myself to at least try. Can’t lock up, unless I’m asleep. Too much of a risk lol.

Also I really like the letter idea.

Thanks mom /s

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