No worries and no I am not hurt/offended.
I do have depression, it has been bad, I have been on medication for it too so that is spot on. I have not been to a real therapist, I have seen an occupational therapist but that was with an aim to getting a job, I have not been solely to talk and do the back and forward thing. Location is a factor in everything.
I am very rural and don’t drive in a small town which was not very welcoming initially, still within my age group it is not but other wise it is okay now but I am long past what ever it has to offer, which is just bars for social stuff and I don’t want that. Other than that there is a few small shops and then nothing. Transport is both very expensive and utterly useless times of day for anything but just walking around where it drops you off which makes everything feel worse. It literally drops me I’m Dublin city and I am surrounded by opportunity and endless things to do… Except I can’t because the bus does not run at working times and now that I am i don’t have the time to screw around. There is no therapist where I live, no anything really useful at all.
I have suspected I have had some form of mental something, I don’t want to run around saying I am autistic because I really don’t know but it is definitely a problem with how I deal, or dont, with people. My friends at least those that have been around me enough know this, they have pointed it out but not in any bad way. It manifests as not talking much, gesturing an nodding, not looking at people when I am out (like walking through crowded dublin I probably could not describe anyone I have been past as I just don’t look at them) and in general almost needing someone else to say “hey let’s do X” for me to do much. When that does happen I am enthusiastic and happy and all the rest but I won’t suggest much to do because I don’t know if the other people want to do whatever so I just don’t say anything.
It is very odd it is very much a hurdle moment. After that initial start of a conversation of whatever is happening I am fine but I can’t make things happen. I can, I just don’t.
When I get home from work I am not thinking of work, or much of anything. Time was when I was in deep depression my mind would be constant noise, thoughts and inner monologue, the medication helped that immensely but now that I am not on them and also feeling much better it is still quiet. So when I get home it is not thoughts constantly good or bad it is just blank, like it really have switched off my brain but I am still awake.
I am also getting rambly again.