Gameplay/walkthrough YouTube advice

Hi, first off I AM NOT just trying to get views by advertising my channel here. All I want is one or two people to take a look at my video, and give me some advice on how I can improve. 

Things I already know:

- Some mistakes with facts

- Crappy voice quality

- Boring voice

The video:

Also, which would be better? Post commentary or commentary as I play? I know that with post commentary I can use notes effectively and get more information across. 

All advice is helpful. Be as brutal as you like. I love video games and computers and I hope someday to make a career out of one, if not both of them, so be honest.

I do have about 5 more parts recorded, but if I have to I can restart it and do it again with post commentary and better sound.

Thanks :)