Disclaimer; this Dungeons & Dragons 3.5e game was played during new years celebration. This story will contain very inappropriate language.
You've been warned
Merry year Tek Syndicate goers. You made it through another one. It's your friend Fox and today I have a wondrous tale to tell of adventure, drink, merriment, overcoming odds, and outrageous stupidity.
I'm going to spin you my tale of Dungeon Mastering a wild new years game of D&D 3.5E
So strap yourself in and grab a beer for a wild, and racially insensitive ride. I hope you enjoy yourself and please remember that what you read isn't indicative to any opinions of the players. Let's just say that liquor makes for loose lips.
However first I suppose I cannot start my tale without telling you what I was drinking this is Tek Syndicate after all. So allow me to make an aside before we begin my tale.
That night I had drank many different tastes but I finally settled on what I found to be smooth and easy drinking. Irish whiskey shot to a double shot mixed in a jigger with Dr. Pepper. Not the most refined of drinks but I lost track of however many I had because I enjoyed them quite a bit.
And one of my friends drank UV Blue mixed with Mountain Dew. I made fun of him for it but it was actually pretty good.
It was a loud, crazy, hilarious night that left a terribly messy aftermath. Soda and trash lay strewn every which way. I gorged myself on about 17$ worth of Mcdonalds while I drank. On my side of the table I looked like Jontron in his food games episodes.
The next morning the light of day shown light on the terrible mess that we had created, and it was only part of what originally was there before we cleaned up some before bed. Truly the aftermath of only the most fun D&D game.
Now enough asides, let us begin the tale of the new year D&D game. Please sit back and enjoy the story.
Allow me to introduce you to the heroes of this perilous epic.
Rowan The Druid Mattias Stroganoff The Cleric Nig Nog The Barbarian Female Gnome Male Half-Elf Cleric of Cthulhu Male Half-Orc
Rowan is an agile gnome druid who strides through the worlds forests with ease. Her skin is tan in color like the wood of an oak or pine tree, and fair auburn hair which is kempt in length. She is accompanied by her falcon companion who scans the forest from high up in the canopy of the trees. While small she is a formidable adversary once in close combat, as she is wielding a sickle in each hand.
Mattias Is a considerably pale skinned half-elf cleric of Cthulhu the dark destroyer. He's draped in black winter robes which hang loosely over his studded leather armor. An astute viewer would be able to spot the dark oiled leather peaking out from the collar of his grim robes. His hair is white as the snow of his blizzard and his eyes cyan like an icy sea. He stands at a respectable 5.55555(repeating) feet in height. This makes him a size medium being, although he identifies as a size small.
Clerics of Cthulhu are of the up most dangerous nature as they perform dark rituals to gain deathly power from their god. Although in reality Mattias is simply an edge lord rich white boy trying to be cool.
- Strength:14 (+2)
- Dexterity:13 (+1)
- Constitution:14 (+2)
- Intelligence:12 (+1)
- Wisdom:15 (+2)
- Charisma:11 (+0)
- Max HP & Speed:24 & 30ft
Feats & Skills-Toughness x2, Concentration:12,Diplomacy:6
Nig Nog is a half-orc barbarian towering at 6 and a half feet tall of hulking muscle. His skin is a deep ebony color like a dark coffee. He's wearing over his chiseled figure a wool winter tunic and heavy breeches to protect him from the cold bite of the winter solstice. Then hefted over his clothing is heavy hide armor to protect his body in combat. It's dense leather material bears marks and damage from It's many uses. On his feet he wears a fine pair of masterfully crafted leather shoes fit for a noble, moreover on their side they bore the sigil of the god of victory Nike. He carried on his back a massive great axe with a devastating blade.
Nig Nog had traveled far from his birth land, which were the distant rice fields of Tamir. He never learned common like most others making him only able to speak an off shoot of common known as Ebonics. This requires a Intelligence check or Decipher script check from others to understand what he is saying.
"Didn do nuffin"
- Strength:20 (+5)
- Dexterity:9 (-1)
- Constitution:15 (+2)
- Intelligence:11 (+0)
- Wisdom:13 (+1)
- Charisma:7 (-2)
- Max HP & Speed:38 & 40ft
Feats & Skills-Run,Cleave,Jump:12,Handle Animal:6
The beginning of their tribulant journey.
(Italic font will be me cutting in and commenting)
The soon to be adventuring party found themselves each locked in individual cells 10x10 wide. They sat behind the iron bars of a prison where they wait until they would receive judgement. Their cells lay one beside the other down a 10 foot wide corridor made out of castle stones. Across the hall were 3 more cells that lay void of any prisoners.The cells were plain but slightly furnished. They contained a small chair and writing table, a cheap tin chamber pot, a barred window which let light in from outside, a hay bed, and a water bucket.
Mattias sat in the first cell, which lay closest to the stairs up. Then in the next cell sat Rowan, and in the next Nig Nog. However even though they had been arrested and detained they all still had their adventuring gear on them. For none of the guards wanted to or could disarm and dequipt them. When they had tried to take Mattias's gear he yelled and argued until the guards finally conceded when he began casting curses at them. The guards were unable to disarm Rowan for whenever the would get close the feisty gnome would kick them and her hawk would maul one of them. Further more the guards didn't even dare attempt to disarm the massive barbarian.
Nig Nog The Barbarian had been arrested and taken to prison for multiple crimes such as theft, assault, and brandishing a weapon
I replied with something along the lines of "Of course he did". To which the player replied with something along the lines of "I didn do nuffin".
Mattias Stroganoff has been arrested for crimes against humanity, and Rowan had been arrested unfairly because of prejudice against druids.
Mattias succeeded on a listen check down the hallway. He heard through his cell bars the sound of boots pounding around the stone floor by the stairs, and hushed hurried whispers among the group of guards. He couldn't quite make out what they were saying but he discerned that something was going on outside the jail. The few pairs of boots pounded back up the stairs leaving just the voices of too guards quickly whispering between each other. Mattias took this opportunity and began clinking his morning star across the cell bars to draw the guards attention.
One of the guards yelled from their table for him to quit being loud.
The guards stood up and began walking down the hall towards his cell. Just as they reached the front of his cell, and one of the guards began scolding him, Nig Nog attempted a strength check to break open his door. He kicked with all his might and the door gave a loud clang and rattle that echoed down the hall. The iron lock was weakened but the cell door held fast against his assault. This drew the attention of the guards and they stormed down the hall to his cell. One of the guards began yelling angrily at Nig Nog.
To which he replied by kicking the door again
The guard then shouted loudly and drew his baton. The guard rolls very low on an intelligence check. The guards face twists up furiously as he unlocks the door to the cell and opens it with the intent of beating Nig Nog.
"You god damn orc I'm going to beat your ass!" he shouted.
It was at that moment the guard realized he fucked up.
Nig Nog drew his great axe which he was holding behind his back. Nig Nog swung his massive axe and easily hit the guard. Nig Nog rolls damage and destroys the guard's HP immediately dropping him deep into the negatives. Then his cleave ability activated and the swing continued. The other guard only had a chance to shout angrily at his coworker as the axe that had smashed away the first guard continued for him. The axe hits again, and again deals more than enough damage to instantly incapacitate the lowly jailer.
Now that they lay dead Nig Nog gets down and takes everything in their pockets, which finds him 6 gold and 2 jailer's keys. He then yells something along the lines of
"It's a breakout nigga!"
Nig Nog then runs wickedly fast down the hall trying to unlock the cells as he goes by.
Nig Nog makes a sleight of hand check to unlock Rowan's cell as he runs by. He fails and the key slips and flings into her cell
Nig Nog makes another sleight of hand check to unlock Mattias's cell as he runs by. He fails spectacularly and the key flies straight into his cell
Mattias must make a reflex check to avoid the key which he succeeds
Rowan and Mattias unlock their cells and meet Nig Nog at the stairs. Together they ascend the staircase and Nig Nog flings open the door without pause. Standing on the other side of the door is a single jailer looking at them confused. Across the room standing by the windows and large exit doors are 4 more jailers who are too busy looking outside at something to notice the party.
As they ascend the stairs the player for Rowan has to leave
Druid.exe has stopped working
Nig Nog yells "I ain goin back to prison"
all of the guards turn around and look at them
Combat begins but together Mattias Stroganoff with his morning star and Nig Nog with his great axe quickly dispatch them. Nig Nog once again hit a weak jailer with his greataxe killing him and then continuing the strike into another killing him as well. The toughest of the enemies a soldier with a scimitar and shield is still easily defeated by the two of them.
Mattias and Nig Nog run outside the jail immediately after stealing the money from the dead guards and taking the strong one's scimitar. They stand at the top of they high staircase to the jail and see a group of guard standing all the way down at the bottom looking off into the distance.
They looked up and saw what the guards were looking at. The sky was streaking with meteorites, which at first might not seem strange, except for that fact that it was in early afternoon. They then saw the origin of the meteorites. Far off in the distance and meteor of absolutely enormous size was entering the atmosphere and starting to burn up.
Mattias makes an intelligence check and determines that by the trajectory where it's going to land they'll survive the impact... right?
Nig Nog tries to sprint down the staircase to attack the group of guards and soldiers facing away. He makes a balance check and fails tumbling to the bottom of the staircase taking 1 damage. By the time he reaches the bottom the guards had gone away. The city was stirring with panic as people ran every which way.
Nig Nog makes a spot check to find a store and succeeds finding a clothing store.
Mattias and Nig Nog run up to the front of the store and bust out the window.
Of course they do. I believe at this point I called him a damn ooga booga
Ferguson riots jokes commence
The two of them leap into the store and are confronted by an old man who runs the store wielding a dagger.
Nig Nog runs straight at the man and makes a grapple check as well as activating rage. He then uses a free action to yell to Mattias
"Start grabbin shit nigga!"
Mattias makes an intelligence check to understand Nig Nog speaking Ebonics and succeeds. He begins rifling through the store.
The old man tries to break from the grapple and fails. He then makes an attack in the grapple with his dagger and deals a couple damage to Nig Nog.
Nig Nog then rolls an unarmed attack in a grapple and easily hits the old man immediately knocking him out cold into the back door way.
Mattias makes a search check on the store counter. He succeeds fairly well and raids the register for a fair bit of coin, finds a dagger, and a note referencing a hidden safe in the back room.
They run into the back room and Nig Nog runs up the stairs to the apartment upstairs to find the wife and child of the man. He asks the wife where the safe is.
The wife rolls an intelligence check to understand him and succeeds. She quickly tells him so he'll go away.
Nig Nog goes back downstairs and tells Mattias that the old man has the key to the safe and trunk and that the safe door is hidden in the back of the armoire.
Mattias rolls an intelligence check to understand him and fails
Nig Nog says "hol up hol up I got dis". He loots the key from the man and opens the safe collecting 90gp which they split. He then loots the chest finding more 15 gold and a bomb (throwable 10ft radius blast).
They are spotted through the window by 2 soldiers that are patrolling on marshal law. The two soldiers attack the two of them.
Nig Nog yells that he was a bomb.
The soldiers make intelligence checks to understand him and pass. They flee
Mattias and Nig Nog then run from the store out the window but fall on the way out sliding into the street.
They both make a spot check and fail spectacularly. They are ambushed by a larger group of soldiers that have returned. One of them is a squad leader and another has explosives (maybe to defuse his bomb with another bomb? I don't I had alot to drink by this point)
Combat begins and the soldiers get a surprise round. Both Mattias and Nig Nog suffer a fair amount of damage but have plenty of hp left.
Bomb wielding soldier rolls and intelligence check and rolls very low. He decides it's an okay idea to throw a bomb into the melee. A scatter die is rolled and it hits Nig Nog directly. The bomb explodes hurting everyone in the fight and stunning Nig Nog.
Nig Nog now takes a -4 on attack and -4 to armor class for two rounds.
soldiers go again? I think I may have forgot that they had a surprise round. Blame it on the drink
Nig Nog tries to get up and fails. He then attacks a soldier next to him while on the ground that was knocked prone by the blast and hits the soldier down to 1hp
Mattias gets up and continues fighting
Soldiers go again. The bomb soldier rolls really low on a intelligence again and throws another one.
The bomb goes off killing one of the soldiers and hurting everyone again.
Nig Nog tries to get up again and fails
Mattias continues fighting and downs an enemy
Soldiers go again. Bomb soldier rolls extremely low on an intelligence check and throws another bomb hitting everyone again. and killing another teammate I think? Does this soldier literally have downs?
The squad leader soldier whose wounded by the blasts and has his ears ringing goes into a rage and attacks the bomb carrying soldier.
Mattias casts darkness making the whole area turn pitch black and runs into the store. He rolls a hide check and fails allowing the enemy to still see his location.
Nig Nog get's up and rolls a hide check with a +2 because of his dark skin. He succeeds and runs away down the street.
The squad leader soldier runs through the retard of a explosives specialist with his long sword killing him. Everything goes quite again except for the ringing in their ears. The street lay littered with bodies of soldiers who had been killed by their own teammates explosives.
Aaaaand scene. This is the end of our wild game session. By this point we had too much to drink and it was 3am.
What is going to become a Nig Nog The Barbarian and Mattias Stoganoff the Cleric? Will they continue looting the city? Who knooooooooooooows But that Is my tale of the strangest game I have ever DM'ed. I hope it gives you as much enjoyment as it gives me as I read back through it wondering just what in the fuck went on.
I know this post was very long winded, I past over quite a bit of little funny things to finish it because I didn't realize how long it was going to be.
IF you did make it this far without closing me out then I congratulate you and present you with this bonus video!