Confessions from a smartphone luddite

I've never had one, I don't want one and I would rather have a modern UMPC, I want a full desktop OS in my pocket with a sliding physical keyboard that's not bluetooth because bluetooth is easily hacked. I don't like how most smartphones have the OS locked by the hardware vendors like Apple and even the androids have issues with carriers and manufactures updating the OS and that problem is solved by buying nexus devices, but nexus devices don't usually have a removable battery or removable storage and I hear the new ones will support removable storage of which is cool, but there's no horizontal slider anymore. I just hate having the keyboard taking my screen real estate and fingerprints all over my screen.

I'd much rather have something like this: https://pyra-handheld.com/boards/pages/pyra/

Does anybody else feel this way or am I being too picky?

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Your keyboard issues are valid, quite a few people want a sliding physical keyboard, that said the on screen keyboard is only temporary so the screen real estate issues is well not an issue.

Android phones, provided you get international versions, are quite open as opposed to carrier versions. It solves the issue of only having the nexus devices to turn to. Many also have removable batteries and SD slots. Look around I would say, plenty exist.

For external keyboard and your Bluetooth worries you can just USB a wired keyboard. Impractical maybe but it is an option. One I have used and intend on using again when I build a keyboard for the purpose.

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I think the closest thing to what you're looking for might be the blackberry priv. It's got an excellent (vertical but better than nothing) physical, expandable storage, and stock Android. However it's still limited because it's android and I don't think blackberry is doing a very good job with software updates. You could probably get software updates with cyanogenmod but I dont know if the priv is even supported and even I it is, you'll probably loose things like the touch sensitive keyboard

I want a USB Slider and even bluetooth slider cases that are compatible with any android phone. If you want a slider bluetooth case for your phone, you're better off buying a normal case for your phone and an iphone keyboard case and putting a dremel to the clipping sides and gluing it to the android case. (but that doesn't solve the security issue)

I also want a full desktop OS, to me Smartphones OSes feel like toys.

Buy a NUC, an iPad screen and display board and a portable keyboard.

I held off on getting a smartphone as long as I possibly could. Unfortunately, I pretty much need one for work now though. I hate all mobile providers and I really don't like having a walled-garden device in my pocket, but I ended up taking the plunge eventually. I mainly use it for email and checking this forum :D

Removable batteries and SD slots are in decline. Look at the latest flagship models. Samsung did away with both on the Galaxy S6. If you want a lower end model, this isn't a problem, but if you want high end, you're pretty much screwed. Rumor is the S7 will have an SD slot again, but nothing about the battery...so far.

I agree 100%. Right now I have a craptastic LG Android thing because it's cheap and easily replaceable when I inevitably throw it in frustration.

as time goes on i use my smartphone less and less for the fancy features.

I do too, but the flagship models even get the longest support with custom ROMs. The Galaxy S2 has a Marshmallow ROM. That phone's seven years old!